January 28th, 2005

Series of Unfortunate Events
Posted



1.27.2005

"All comes at the proper time to him who knows how to wait." --Saint Vincent de Paul

Mood: Masaya
Binged on: Chocolate coated polvoron
Major boo boo: wearing eyeglasses today coz I have red eyes
Goal: 30 mins cardio plus Body Pump
Thought for the day: "Everything always falls into place in God's perfect time".

It was a series of unfortunate events that led me to my happy and contented state. The movie preview of that new Jim Carrey movie got me thinking, that yeah, I did experience a series of unfortunate (if not totally catastrophic) events in the last two years. But no matter how traumatic or totally heart breaking they were, everything ultimately turned out for the best once I stopped struggling.

I learned to keep silent and still; to humbly ask God for help because it was simply too much for me to bear; to patiently wait for His answer and trust that He knows best. Too simplistic? Maybe so. But simple works for me and I hope I can stick to not complicating my life any further...(I keep forgetting this whenever I'm in crisis!)

Last night I was talking to the Jackass on my mobile. I think he's lonely. Either that or he's still feeling guilty for what he did and is trying to check on me if I'm okay. Well, I am. He may have been my constant companion for the last four months but since he shut the door in my face, countless windows of friendship have opened for me. I've been out every night this week with friends, and they drive all the way to my house!

Looking back, the affair began and ended seismically. Yes, on our first real date, we had a quake. On the night I decided to finally call it quits, the earth shook again. It was that huge quake that caused the killer tsunami. Coincidence? haha! It's a private joke between me and God.

So far my series of unfortunate events has made me more objective, more mature and meek, and even more forgiving and prayerful. I have learned to count my blessings and share the sorrows of people around me--and when I do, I come to realize that my problems and worries are miniscule compared to theirs.

As I have written earlier this week, I have made happiness my choice. For amidst the sham, the heartaches, betrayals and struggles, it still is a beautiful world.

Smile...

Differential Diagnosis: thankful

Room for Improvement
Posted in



1.25.2005 Monday's Blog. A Repost


Mondays are always a killer, but it's something I look forward to. Another week at work, seven more days of living, more borrowed time to work on the challenge of being an angel in someone's life.

Normally, my week starts uneventfully. But today was quite different. Since I had to go back to the city, it meant waking up at 4 am and being in transit before sunrise. All the effort proved worthless though, since I was late for work and ended up taking the half day off. So much for trying to make a good impression!

Oh well, there's always room for improvement. I had a one-on-one talk with my supervisor and vowed to be more focused on work and more conscious about everything I do. I am doubtful that I would be able to fulfill all of my New Year's resolutions, but I'm aiming to make changes in life that I can stick to--and not simply be obliged to do.

1. Work fast, conscientiously, and silently.

2. Work out regularly and take on more challenges. I now run 3-5 kilometers every other day and do circuit training. On Sunday, I will start swimming and take more pilates classes.

3. Green is in Salad greens and pesto sauce for my pasta. Yes, I hear my nutritionist singing allelujiah!

4. Enrich the Mind

Read. Read materials of substance, abstract and absorb. It is so enriching to read about what other people think and know...than just listening to that voice in your head say you're not good enough.

5. Be There

Touch someone else's heart by being a friend. Be the daughter and sister my dad and my brother can count on. Be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually present in Church activities.

6. SaveMoney, energy and effort. Avoid exercises in futility--conserve for when the situation really needs it.

7. Let Go

I read a couple of interesting articles that I found quite touching. Here's one I particularly identified with. It's something I would have written for the Jackass, who is now someone else's winenights. Hey, no regrets and thanks for the memories.

http://www.peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=3896


Angel's LSS: Six Cycle Mind's Sige
Differential Diagnosis: working

Green-Eyed Angel
Posted in



1.22.2005

Today I am Green. I’m at the family house in Green Estates, Bulacan, set amidst verdant rice fields…I cooked spinach pasta and prepared green pesto sauce for dinner.

I'm also feeling a little green with envy.

Compared to my two earlier blogs, this one might sound nonsensical to some. It’s just the musings of a 26-year-old woman still making heads or tails out of life. Nothing really deep or philosophical. Truth be told, I just might be feeling a little lonely, I guess.

Less than an hour ago, my former best friend sent me an SMS inviting me to her daughter’s first birthday party. No big deal right, even if I did say she was my FORMER best friend? Maybe I should also explain that the child was fathered by my former boyfriend of 7.5 years---the one she had been an affair with behind my back.

Yeah, it hurt a lot that time...for several months I think I actually forgot what it was like to smile. I forgave both of them, (sincerely) and did my best to move on. It took superhuman effort (she and I were friends and roommates for almost 10 years and it was my ex who actually confessed to having an affair with her) but the miracle of prayers and the company of friends saved me. I got back on my feet, although wobbly and shaky, started dieting and going to the gym (lost 80 lbs since then!) and began active work in my Church community.

It's been more than a year and I could barely recognize myself. The physical, emotional and spirtual transformation was quite overwhelming. From the bitchy, self-centered and materialistic hot-shot journalist...I am now the low-key, but still very opinionated and identity-searching angel.

Am I bitter? Resentful? I would like to think that I'm not. There's a world of difference between forgiving and letting yourself become a doormat. I had to isolate myself from them in order for me to move on with my life. Since that time, she and I exchange SMS every now and then, but I chose to sever ties with my ex, out of respect for the wedding band he's wearing and the child my former best friend was carrying. He's still trying to get in touch with me without his wife's knowledge, and that's where I believe I have to draw the line.

I admit I am envious of the fact that my former best friend is married now to someone I once made lifetime plans with...that she now has a child. It's the lonely side of me crying out and protesting the fact that I am still single and haven't found the one!

Oh and may I add that the last guy I dated for close to four months also has a girlfriend now. I know, I am compounding my sorrows and magnifying my miseries. But he met the girl through friendster, travelled 200 kilometers to see her, and wham! bang! they fell in love! I tortured myself by reading through the girl's profile (she's very nice, okay, I don't bash other people) and she's really happy about having met him.

Green-eyed with envy and in need of hugs.

I can only sigh, shrug my shoulders and bow my head in prayer. If there's one thing I learned, it's to offer everything to God...someday, the right person will find me. Until then, I will have to content myself with blogging everytime I feel the slightest tinge of envy for other people's good fates.

I do count my blessings and I thank the Lord everyday for them. But being human exposes me to look at what I lack that others do have...a relationship, or a boyfriend, and in all honesty, it hurts.

All those feeling lonely too, and even the extremely happy, feel free to comment...


This angel is home on a Saturday night.

Differential Diagnosis: jealous

Memnoch the Devil
Posted in



1.21.2005

"Angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly?
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down
Come around,
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold."
--Angels or Devils by Dishwalla

To say that I came face to face with the devil last night sounds straight out looneyville. But I believe I did, and scenes from Anne Rice's "Memnoch the Devil" flashed in my mind.

Sitting in front of the steps of an Asian antique store at 9 pm, Memnoch handed me an unlit cigarette and a lighter and stripped my soul bare of all pretentions.
The conversation started simply. He was after all, no stranger to me. Yet for the very first time I actually felt a "connection", he was for the night my devil's advocate---Memnoch, in the flesh, grinning from ear to ear and blowing smoke rings.

Unnerving. Disturbing. Thought-Provoking.

Am I an angel struggling to tame the devil inside me, or a devil hiding in sheep's clothing?

Perhaps one of the most striking questions Memnoch asked me was whether I was using God as rehab. Meaning, was I being spiritual and religious because I was truly happy doing it, or I got into it out of need and was just too morally indebted to get out?

I'm everyone's angel, but I admittedly have my mean and naughty streaks. At times I sit and think am I really ready for this life--prayer meetings 3x a week, social outreaches, daily mass, rosaries and novenas...shunning the so-called "pleasures" of the world. It's the last one I often fail miserably at, not because I'm hooked to it though, but for some strange reason, that's where I always stumble.

Memnoch got me thinking. By living this almost "nun's" life, am I closer to being the person I want to be, or am I just running away from who I really am?

I do not want to end up as a half-baked worker for Christ or live in the gray. Surely I can be a good and honorable Christian without being in the "extremes" of active religious service? Wouldn't my faith, born out of a personal encounter with Christ, be enough? Do I really need to devote so much of my time, effort and energy into the renewal ministry just to be assured that I am not a bad girl anymore.

"You've paid your dues, it's time to live your life" said Memnoch.

And now I am torn.

Angel's LSS: Angels or Devils by
Differential Diagnosis: weird