Speeding through Libis, QC, before dawn Sunday, kapatid Jeff and I had this interesting conversation: what lesson is the universe trying to hammer on you?

For him, he says, its patience. I, on the other hand, can't seem to master the art of letting go. And it appears the harder I try to work on it, the more difficult it is for me to accept that certain things aren't meant to last, or are meant to be.

I was really upset over the weekend, to the point of cleaning just about every nook and cranny in my apartment and cooking. To those who know me well, cooking is tantamount to announcing "I am sad!". Scrubbing the bathroom tiles and whipping up tuna pasta cheered me up a bit and allowed me to think things over.

I guess I should learn to set barriers. I figured that I give people close to me enough power to hurt me because I let them in too much. As I have explained in some other entries, I really bleed when I lose a friend. More than anything in the world, I take personal relationships seriously and friendship is something I take to heart.

So when I began to feel that a very dear friend was shutting me out of his life inspite of me going over the moon to say "i'm here if you need me", I felt betrayed. Sure, people need enough time and space to brood over their problems, but does that include ignoring those who are truly willing to stand by you through the ups and downs?

I'm sorry if I sound immature or if I am waxing emotional. Part of me understands the how's and why's of the situation. But for some reason, it's just hard to let all of it go and forget about it because it hurt...better be angry than indifferent, at least that's how I see it.

Having realized that, I guess things are going to change from now on. I find it a tad unfair that I am always the one reaching out to people and then get disappointed when they give me the cold shoulder. I'll let it all go and let things be. I think we are all old enough to make our own decisions. No need to nag and keep trying to make one's presence known. I'll just respect people and their innate need for reclusion, if that's what makes them happy.

Each and every time, it boils down to the lesson of letting go. I just pray that this time it sinks in to my stubborn head so I can stop fighting the tears that are stinging my eyes.

I intend to keep my promise not to cry.

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me -- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities towers, and bridges, and un-
suspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods --
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house--and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me. Streets that I chanced upon --
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled, gave back
my too-sudden image. Who knows? perhaps the same
bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening...

Many people, who find themselves in a good situation, look suspiciously around for the catch. Or they unconsciously brace themselves for the bad that they believe must necessarily follow the good. It's easy to believe that positive fortune is too good to last and that happiness is always fleeting. But waiting for the other shoe to drop or for the rug to be pulled out from under your feet isn't healthy.

Always focusing on the negative possibilities can put you on edge and even invite those negative possibilities in. While you remain hyper vigilant, you necessarily must wait, doing your best to protect yourself from uncertain events. It becomes more difficult to enjoy happiness and success when you are on guard against what's coming next. There are, however, steps you can take to confront a tendency to focus on the 'other shoe' by confronting your feelings and discovering what is standing in the way of optimism.

The fear that happiness is temporary is often rooted in the subconscious mind and past experiences that have fostered a pessimistic outlook. We are often afraid to trust in our own potential or feel guilty when our lives go too well because we don't believe we deserve success. But the truth is that we do and that there is no reason that a boon must be followed by a loss.

When you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop, ask yourself if there is a strong possibility of something negative happening, or if your mind has conjured up the fear that your positive situation cannot last. If your subconscious is telling you that you don't deserve happiness, counter it by reaffirming your worth. Put a motivational affirmation on display in your home or office, or create a positive mantra, then focus on the present. The future is unknown, give yourself permission to enjoy the things going well for you right now.

It may take time for you to fully believe that you have control over your own happiness and that you can hold on to that happiness without worrying about what the future will bring. You may want to remember that you have more control over your life than you may realize.

The 'other shoe' may drop or it may not, but it is your own attitude that will ultimately let you hold on to the result of good things in life, while letting the bad things go.

"Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you walking on the water." --St. Peter

I stayed late in the office last night, writing a long overdue article for a client and finishing the contents of a new webpage due for uploading this week. I wanted to go home early and just wallow in bed--freshly changed sheets and all, but I think "bossing" had other plans.

It was raining hard and I felt trapped. By the time I got out, the streets were flooded. Wading in ankle-deep flood water, I thought about the day's gospel: Jesus walking on the ocean and St. Peter wanting to follow suit, but failing.

"This is the story of most Christians' lives: rocked by circumstances and events, terrified of God's presence, encouraged by the words of God and then we initially rush forward to be overcome again in doubt, letting our fears control us," a Claretian commentary read.

According to scholars, walking on water is more than a simple act of faith, it is tantamount to conquering one's fears or casting out one's hidden demons.

The act of walking on water is in essence a triumph of the spirit. Perhaps it is when we have finally rid ourselves of  our "excesses baggages" do we become light enough and calm enough not to break water's surface tension and be able to walk...without fear of sinking or drowning.

I don't know when my time to walk on water will come. For now, I am content with believing that Jesus holds my hands as I amble through life's challenges and uncertainties--that I am no longer alone, and I will not be alone, even during the lowest and saddest points of my life.

There a thousand beautiful things to be thankful for, and every day we get to spend with our loved ones and friends is a gift to be cherished.

Life is good and I still choose to be happy. I have yet to learn to walk on water, but today, I feel like I already am.

Double click http://pinoypoetsblog.blogspot.com to find out why.

The face is a complex palette of emotions. A slight turning up of the lips and a crinkling of the eyes can signal pleasure, contentment, happiness, or satisfaction. But in all cases, a smile is more than it seems.  A smiling person is often judged as more attractive, pleasant to be around, sincere, honest, sociable, and inviting and is considered more confident and successful.

Smiling is not a learned action. Even those born blind will smile when experiencing a joyful moment. A carefree smile is a quick and easy way to tell the world that you are open to new experiences and eager to meet new people.

It is assumed that a bright smile stems from happiness, but research has also shown that genuine happiness can stem from a smile. Even a smile called forth when you don't necessarily feel like smiling can trigger the release of endorphins, brightening your day. The simple act of smiling can help relieve stress by relaxing your facial muscles and encouraging you to focus on happy memories. And a forced smile, which only involves the muscles of the mouth, can easily turn into a true smile, which lights up the entire face.

A smile motivated by real happiness is likely to inspire someone nearby to smile, possibly because of the expression's origins in the primate grin. That grin, which some scientists believe evolved into the smile, signaled that the one grinning was a friend rather than an opponent.

In ancient China, Taoists taught the benefits of the inner smile because they believed it insured happiness, health, and longevity. One smile can lessen the sting of a negative mood and bring on a better one. But don't be self-conscious about it. Smiling is universal and looks great on everyone. A smile, directed inward, outward, or at nothing in particular brightens the world and is a gift to those who see it.

I've always been viewed as a damsel in distress. I just don't know if that's a good thing or a negative trait. Friends say I have this inherent ability to make people want to rescue me or come to my defense.

Funny because I do not, at all, resemble a fragile damsel. It's just that it's very rare that I get angry at people, much more let them have a taste of my acerbic tongue.

This morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find my beloved PP friends going out of their way to defend me online. It wasn't such a big thing really, I posted two freshly minted haiku "on poetry" after relishing a read of Ars Poetica.  I'm not so sure if he/she was a newbie or a long-time member who is happy and content with lurking around and reading, but this person broke his silence and commented (with apologies naman, he wasn't mean or anything) that my poems on poetry were cliche'...akin to writing about love, grief, etc.

I was a little hurt of course, writing a haiku isn't that easy, but I understood where he was coming from. I emailed a polite reply, part of which read: "That's life. On some days you strike gold with your poems, on others you churn out crap. The important thing is to keep writing. Thanks anyway!"

I meant what I said, of course. And I thought that would end there.But no, at least 7 or 8 people came to my defense, well not directly defending ME as a person, but my choice to write about poetry. Some of them,(bless your hearts) even challenged the poor thing to post his/her own poems online to prove whether he/she could write about all new subjects.

It was a gang up of the worst kind I've ever witnessed!

My beloved Xam, uber close friend and PP moderator, sent me a private email kidding me to ask my defenders to stop. The thread started like 10 am and ended (has it?)at around 6 pm.

Poor kid. He never knew what hit him/her. Even after profuse apologies and explanations, to which I again responded amiably, the issue continued to burn.

Moral lesson? Wag awayin ang angel ng PP dahil maraming nagmamahal sa akin! Joke. That's just my vanity statement. It's just amusing how it still happens to this day.

Here's the cause of discord:

i.

to be a poet:
undress a butterfly,
borrow its wings

ii.

find me
between lines of colored silk;
hand-paint the sky

Writer on Overdrive

Four hours of planning session at work today gave me a headache. It's the just the start of what I expect to be a year-long bootcamp for our department.

Shape up or ship out! I could almost hear my manager say. And while my enthusiasm and optimism for training/workshops/seminars has not waned one iota, I think the long hours and stress is starting to take a toll on me.

I'm killing myself with too much coffee, too much reading and very little sleep. Worse, no exercise since the day I committed to "immersing" myself with learning direct mail marketing secrets a month ago.

I promise to go back to my regular schedule by Monday...which means going home before all the stars fall asleep and not taking coffee by the tumbler on an empty stomach. Hehe. (If my Dad reads this entry, I am sooo getting a lecture!)

Good thing that my scheduled client meeting in Makati tonight didn't push through. Otherwise I'd be bringing home more work than the two file holders I have. I also lugged a long a direct mail marketing book to read over the weekend in between bouts of cooking and slashing away at my brother's school papers. Yes, he makes me katay his essays.

Life is good and it keeps betting better. I think the universe is really cospiring to have me achieve my personal legend---write. Apart from the more or less regular articles I am supposed to write for this client, I received two more email as I was about to leave the office. One from Xam asking me to write a short press release on Ora Poetika PP's first audio CD recording and another from a friend/client giving me a new project.

Yes, I know, I am so blessed. Considering that its almost prelims week and we need to shell out dough for my brother's tuition and other expenses. I'm really thankful that blessings always land at my lap. All my family's needs are met and provided for even before I pray and ask for it. Ambait bait talaga ni Lord!

But promise, I'll be a good girl next week. I miss my boxing gloves already. Happy weekend boys and girls. God Bless ya all!

"There are three things that are too wonderful for me, four that I do not understand:  the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship in the sea, and the way of a man with a woman." Prov. 30:18-19

I'm pouring jasmine tea into a glass in the hope of cooling it. But part of me wishes I was pouring san mig light into an ice-filled mug. Just a tiny part of me--the same part that's still dreaming of lightning and that it strikes sometime soon.

Yesterday I realized it was all too good to be true. You were too perfect, almost dreamlike, to be real. And like most fantasies, your time to fade--like morning fog melting in sunlight's embrace--has come.

I shed a few tears and heaved a couple of bottomless sighs. I had grown accustomed to the conversations and free exchange of affection. You have caused me to smile a few more times than I would normally do on my own. And I thank you for that.

I too am greatful for you coming into my life. And, like I always say: I am happy for people who have found happiness.

Stay happy. But please, close the door as you go. I do not wish for you to see me turn a deeper shade of yellow.

Overjoyed
By: Stevie Wonder

Over time, I've building my castle of love
Just for two, though you never knew you were my reason
I've gone much too far for you now to say
That I've got to throw my castle away

Over dreams, I have picked out a perfect come true
Though you never knew it was of you I've been dreaming
The sandman has come from too far away
For you to say come back some other day

And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me

Over hearts, I have painfully turned every stone
Just to find, I had found what I've searched to discover
I've come much too far for me now to find
The love that I've sought can never be mine

And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me

And though the odds say improbable
What do they know
For in romance
All true love needs is a chance
And maybe with a chance you will find
You too like I
Overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you

I know perfectly well what date it is today--August 10th, Wednesday, but the two calendars I have in my tiny apartment still say its July.

For some reason, I refuse to perform the simple act of turning the calendar page to August. No, I am not lazy, nor do I keep forgetting to do it. I guess I could call it my own brand of rebellion--my take at  freezing time and allowing myself the luxury of a few extended moments.

There was just so much of July to savor and relive. To this day, I can still taste ice cream melting in my mouth. The smell of freshly brewed coffee is an olfactory memory I would always associate with you, as well as cigarettes, and rain and lightning storms.

Ah yes, lightning did strike. I now have the courage to say that out loud.  However, I wasn't wise enough to catch it in a bottle and cork it, as was the lesson of one of my favorite movies, "Meet Joe Black".

As the oft repeated tale of woe goes: I was too busy looking everywhere else that I didn't realize you were standing right in front of me--until  you left.

July was bliss. Your presence added that extra zing long missing from my life. Suddenly it felt as though everything had fallen into place for me---family, career, friends,  and poetry. I was even spending more time in prayer.

It was simply perfect, and I didn't even notice it.

I figured it was because I had a million things going on then. And now that its all water under the bridge, I think it's high time I stop running myself ragged and just sit still----giving silence a chance to speak to me again---and from my core, find the strength to rise from the ashes, like I always do.

It only takes a few seconds and one hand to flip the calendar. But I still need both hands at the moment. The right one holds my head up for the world to see, and the left  mechanically wipes away my tears. 

So if you're asking until when will my calendars be pegged at July? I can't really say.  

Maybe until I get tired of replaying scenes secretly and unknowingly pieced together in my memory; or until I can listen to the sound of the rain again and not hear your voice; or remember the look in your eyes.

I'll bide my time. Who would want to move into August when there's nothing to look forward to but the cold?

I've been sourrounded by beautiful angels all year. Friends and relatives have been getting pregnant and or giving birth, and I always seem to get picked to be "fairy" godmother, for one reason or the other.

Not that I mind, I adore kids, especially baby girls. Last week, the wives of two dear friends gave birth. It was Monday, I think ,when Christian Kyle was born, and then rakenrol baby Chantal on Friday.  

I also met up with one of my best girl friends Miel, who is eight months on the family way, and we ended up picking baby clothes for soon-to-bust-out-of-the-joint Basti. Of course, Ninang stephie's wallet suffered a hemorrhage coz I ended up buying pretty pink overalls and a matching hat for Chantal and beige and fuchsia overalls for another inaanak, Pamela, who I think is four months old now.

Also got three-month-old Lexy a cute pink hat. And I still owe another friend's newborn baby girl a present; plus an officemate recently gave birth to a son. Two very close friends (apart from Miel), are also pregnant.

Hehe. I know, I know, I hear the chorus of "Steph, ikaw kelan?" but I'm afraid I cannot answer that question. All I know is I'm happy playing doting Tita or Ninang to these bundles of joy.

From Peyups

Monsod’s Bestfriend theory states that, at one point in time, the bestfriends will have to go through a stage where they will fall for the other. if they're lucky, they'll go through it together but according to statistics it’s most probable that they’ll not fall at the same time. if they do fall in love in synchronicity, that's when the platonic relationship becomes a love story, but if one falls without great timing, it's a possible prelude to the end of a friendship..the ending lies on how they handle the situation, whether they'll just let it go, address it or wait ‘til the other also falls and they cross the line from being friends to lovers..

We’ve all been hearing all these “falling in love with the bestfriend” stories. From it being a success, a complete disaster or a one-sided melancholy. We have seen movies with the same premise, from the heart-wrenching “My Bestfriend’s Wedding” to Sharon and Aga’s “Kung ako na Lang Sana”. It can’t be an isolated case right?

The Falling-in-love-with-the-bestfriend Phenomenon reached a universal state and everybody’s experiencing it, of course except those who don’t have a bestfriend, silly. I can blame it on whoever started the adage, Friendship is the foundation of love. Screw him/her, whoever he is. I don’t think friendship is the best groundwork of love, it’s an illusion, it’s a fallacy, a hasty generalization.

Bestfriends fall in love for convenience, for lack of options or for mere boredom and exhaustion from the lifetime quest for the “LOVE OF HIS/HER LIFE”. It’s not about “Kung ako na lang sana” but it’s “Sige na nga, ikaw na lang.”. Got that?

Ok, a lot of people’ll probably disagree with me, of course nobody wants to be disenchanted. How more perfect can a love story be if it all started from being just friends? Then one sunny day, they just look at each other on a different way, one begins noticing how cute the smile of the bestfriend is, the other notices how they totally understand each other without uttering a single word. Then they both go home with a smile on their faces, lie on their beds, think of how dense they both are for not “paying attention” and for not realizing that “what they’ve been looking for is just right in front of them” (imagine the song For the First Time is playing in the background).

The next day, they’ll both feel awkward, the girl begins to dress more “consciously”, the guy becomes more of a gentleman ( as an attempt to conceal all the farts and snores). Then after a few weeks of trying to mask what they think they feel, they decide to have a heart to heart talk about stuff. After the tête-à-tête, they end up cuddling in a tight embrace with tears of joy and contentment that they finally figured it out. Ohh, that’s sick.

I’d rather look at it this way. One sunny afternoon, they were doing their stuff, conversing about their ex’s and how people can’t seem to identify with them. While conversing, they realize that they’re tired.. they look at each other, trying to persuade themselves (of course by themselves, not totally discussing it) that maybe, there’s a chance that they’ll end up together. You know, just to stop the futile chase. They try to rationalize their illusions by looking for each other’s “good points”.

When they go home, they’re both smiling because they feel stupid for giving malice to a perfectly platonic relationship. They lie on their beds, imagining each other’s faces just to give assurance that the other bestfriend is not that bad. They end up dreaming of each other due to excessive thinking. They feel guilty for whatever happened in the dream (it wasn’t that wholesome, I guess).. they feel awkward, and it will be aggravated by their friends’ teasing. Then they start to acknowledge the problem, they try to talk it out. Then they are both too scared to end their being BESTFRIENDS so they decide to take it a step further by being lovers, besides they both have been hypnotized by the “fairytale” they created. There’s just no one else to keep, same story as the meantime girl or guy. End of narrative.

At one point in my story, the other might try to divert his/her lust for the bestfriend by dating other guys/girls. Then that’s when things get fucked up. Or should I say it’s when order is once again achieved, and the bestfriends resume their “platonic relationship” in misery. Until they are able to find the better replacement. Then they continue the infinite battle. My bestfriend THEORY happens in a cycle. Oh shit, yeah, it never ends, it has not resolution. I think I’m gonna be sick.

*okay, the author is a little too into "Pak lab!", but I think he or she has made a valid point. Don't compromise or settle just because you feel you're running out of options. Angel24/7

*joke time muna, it's a busy week. Hehehe

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a  chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was gi ven the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

**From my mailbox this morning. Sayang the animated graphics do not show, but it's a great reminder nonetheless. Stay happy everyone! God Bless! ~angel24/7~

1. Wake Up

Decide to have a good day. "Today is the day the Lord hath made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up

The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7

3. Shut Up

Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking. "He who guards his lips guards his soul." Proverbs 13:3

4. Stand Up

For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything.. "Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time,
we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..." Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up To the Lord.

"I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up

For something higher. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up
Your Prayers. "Do not worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT
EVERYTHING." Philippians 4:6

God answers Knee-Mail.

Up at 6 am today, sore and aching. My renewed romance with the boxing ring proved to be physical torture---just punishment, said my trainer, for not showing up at Red Corner for a month.

It seems that everywhere I go nowadays, training is the buzzword impressed upon me. Copywriting training, studying the rudiments of haiku, attending growth series lectures in the renewal ministry, and attending boxing bootcamp.

I hope this means that i'm past learning the art of letting go and that I've moved into the next lesson:discipline.

Actually, I still do not have the time to go back to the gym. Work is still as physically and mentally draining as it was last month, and its still two months before peak season is over.

However, vanity got the better of me. I was compelled to pack my gym bag by the fact that my favorite pair of low-rise jeans fit oddly the last time I tried it on. Mukha akong sausage!  Dati bilbil lang ang problema ko, ngayon pati pata na! O hindeeeeee!

Kidding aside, I know I shouldn't be neglecting my health in favor of work. So now is as good a time as any to start sweating and get the old ticker pumping.

So there, wish me luck.

I Want To Fall in Love With You

By: jars of clay

In open fields of wild flowers,
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her jesus for the daises and the roses
In no simple language
Someday she’ll understand the meaning of it all
He’s more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she’ll trust him and learn how to see him
Someday he’ll call her and she will come running
And fall in his arms and the tears will fall down and she’ll pray,

I want to fall in love with you

Sitting silent wearing sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
Who stare into nowhere, and can’t feel the chains on their souls

He’s more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we’ll trust him and learn how to see him
Someday he’ll call us and we will come running
And fall in his arms and the tears will fall down and we’ll pray,

I want to fall in love with you

It seems too easy to call you savior,
Not close enough to call you god
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
To show my devotion

I want to fall in love with you

My heart beats for you

I wanted to take a nap, pero nung ma receive ko yung  picture na ito, nagising hindi lang ang diwa ko!  By the way, here's my first sensual poem, hehehe. Lotion nga please!!! 

Rub Down

I sustain myself with the love of family and friends.- Maya Angelou

One of those days I'm glad to have chosen to be an angel. Hehe. Just felt like saying that out loud, both for effect and effectivity.

I know the old adage goes that a leopard can never hide its spots. But I would like to believe that people can shed their old skins too and have their hearts changed from black to one as white as snow.

Right now I'm undergoing another test. A real big one with more hurles to clear than ever before. I hope I pass this one without getting crippled or maimed...or worse, pulling someone down with me in the process.

I miss my old life from time to time--the noise, the heat, the glitter, clutter and the kaleidoscope of colors... But I also distinctrly remember not having looked back the day I decided to leave everything behind.

Without meaning to preach, and I ask a thousand pardons if I do sound like I am, but I am just a person trying my best to carry my cross everyday. Painstakingly working  at becoming  someone I can be proud of---a good Christian, daughter, sister, employee and friend, and whatever else life asks me to be--one long day at a time.

And if at times I fail, or if I fall short of your expectations, please try to understand it is not easy.  I guess I am not what you pictured me out to be. "Angel" is just a term of endearment accorded to me by people whose lives I have touched. It doesn't necessarily mean  white robes, a pair of wings and golden halo.

On bad days I still bitch. Before and after the full moon I turn naughty. I still diffuse tense nerves when I'm harassed. And yes, when I feel really rotten I down beer and smoke a couple of sticks of DJ Mix.  

But I do not cheat, steal or betray people. I do not backbite nor do I hurt anyone intentionally. I get angry and fight back when needed...but I forgive and I forget.

It just makes me sad whenever people pass judgment on me too quickly. Whether they knew me from the past or have just met me, I still do not think its fair to permanently draw a box around a particularl person and lock him in there for eternity.

I am tired of defending myself and explaining my actions. Each one of us was gifted with a rational mind and free will, how we use it is our responsibility.

That my friends is my potshot for the week. Best taken with the proverbial grain of salt. God Bless everyone!

"To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves--there lies the great, singular power of self-respect." Joan Didion

Another hectic and tiring weekend passed, but the good news is, I've been able to accomplish everything that needed to be done!

Friday nights are turning into bonding moments with bestfriend Miel and my future inaanak Basti. She claims to be depressed but I don't think she is, Miel has got to be one of the prettiest pregnant women I've ever seen. Motherhood certainly becomes her.

So finally, I was able to harass SMART regarding my phone line. I had asked for a permanent disconnection a month ago but they said they cound't process it because I still had a balance of P107! Hello! Couldn't you have called sooner and informed me instead of charging me P800 more? Anyways, I ended up footing the bill just to settle the issue, once and for all.

Was able to do a little grocery shopping too with Miel. So I now have a fresh supply of spinach pasta, oatmeal, grapefruit juice, milk as well as lavender body wash, shampoo and conditioner. (Calms frazzled nerves, I tell you!)

After running all our errands, we settled at Starbucks for a nightcap. And, not wanting to get more caffeine kicks, I tried the raspberry tea with a generous dollop of whipped cream. It was good and refreshing. Perfect way to end a stressful workweek.

Problem was, I had to lug along 5 bags of groceries going home, and that was past midnight already. There ended my resolve not to flag down taxi cabs on short trips. (Nagtitipid na po kasi ako ngayon!) Hehe, I think that one is justifiable though.

Saturday morning. Blissful sleep under soft covers and not having to wake up at 6 am.

I headed off to San Pedro, Laguna to see my dentist for my monthly cleaning and braces adjustment. (Aww. Sakit. Feeling ko may naglalambiting matsing sa front teeth ko hanggang ngayon.) Went straight to Casimiro to attend a two-day Church activity, but since Saturday traffic was a killer, I panicked and feared that I might not make it on time.

Thankfully, I arrived just as the opening prayer was starting. The topic for the two-day seminar was  the 7 Teachings of the Catholic Church, and it was a very interesting subject. Peppered with humor, a few action songs and lots of bonding time with fellow members, it was a great way to remember one's spirit.

We ended close to 9 pm, and that left me too tired to dress up and go to either of the two parties I was invited to attend. I had originally planned to swig by the Guni-Guni poetry reading in Malater or say hi-hello-goodbye to a good friend who was celebrating his birthday that night.

Pero wala, ubos na talaga ang powers ko ei. Crash landed na lang into bed and woke up late on Sunday.

Its the first Sunday in a long time that I didn't spend at home in the bukid with my Dad and kid brother. Bored and homesick I decided to treat myself. Had my nails done and got a foot massage at a nearby salon (opo, sa salon na lang, masyadong mahal sa spa. Wais na po ako ngayon!) Then went to ATC for a lunch of soup and salad at Almon Marina (kasi nga hindi ako makakagat at makanguya!) before doing a quick round of the shops and settling for a pair of Balinese shoes and a new blouse.

Patay! Ubos ang allowance ni Stephie! Hehehe

The conclusion of the Church activity left me feeling light and inspired. Ready to face a brand new week of grumpy bosses, rush projects and deadlines.

Truth be told, my email was swamped with things to do from my manager when I got to work this morning. But I'm still smiling. I'm wearing my brand new pair of shoes, french tipped nails and my heart is brimming with joy kasi alam kong love ako ni Lord at love ko rin Siya!

*Hugs* for everyone. Stay happy and God Bless Ya All!

P.S. I passed the test I was talking about in my last entry. Thanks be to God!

There is much I owe to those I do not love.

The relief in accepting they are closer to another.
Joy that I am not  the wolf to their sheep.

**thanks sister Mitz. Mwah!

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.


I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."


"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.


"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life."


"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.


"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."


"I've learned that when ever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."


"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."


"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."


"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."


"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

It's my fifth time to be published in inq7.net today, but the first for an essay entry. I wrote "The Apple Tree" in June, but only had the courage to send it for possible publication the other day. Thankfully, it was accepted and posted on line.

It is, of course, for my Dad. And yes, the apple tree (technically, it is still just a plant) is still alive and growing. I'll let you know if it bears fruit. Hehe.

I also posted a new poem before going home from work last night. 'Tis the Praying Man caused quite a stir among my friends and was well-received at Pinoypoets probably because as kapatid na Jeff puts it "parang hindi yung Steph na kilala ko ang nagsasalita".

It's quite different from the other pieces I've written but it's also special to me too because I was the first one to pause and got lost in deep thought at the poem's message. Oh yes, may I always remember to be like the mantis at the end of each long and sinful day.

This brings me to the fact that I am an official leave as Angel24/7. I don't know for how long or until when, but I'm sure as the shirt on my back is blue that I will not be entertaining counseling or pity pot wallowing sessions from anyone.

Why? I'm just tired that's all. Not tired from being a good person, but just tired---in need of sleep, rest and some healthy form of relaxation.

It actually felt good not answering my mobile phone yesterday when weeping willow (she is such a cry baby, I swear!) was calling. I stole a peek at the text message she sent and it read: Steph, gusto ko ng kausap. O diba ang brat?!

Normally, I would have called her or entertained her phone call (napapagalitan ako sa kakatawag niya sa office namin dati kaya ngayon pinagbawalan ko na!) and just listen to her rant, cry, gripe, complain and cry until she grows hoarse. But last night, I slept peacefully. I figured she wouldn't die if I don't come to her rescue for once. She's almost 24 but still refuses to acknowledge the fact that the world doesn't owe her any favors and that she's the one who has got to learn how to deal.

I spoke to her this morning where she expressed her adamant wish to see me next week just so she could talk to someone. Bestfriend Miel always raises her eyebrows whenever I go and see Weeping Willow. Wala ba siyang friends? she would bitch...(ah eh obvious bang me shortage ate?)

No, I will not be seeing her next week or anytime soon. I don't want to be in the company of negative people right now. And while I know that my calling is to spread warmth and sunshiney smiles to other people in this lonely planet, I've officially quit as Weeping Willow's angel...(sa kanya pa lang naman ako nag re resign and screw the necessary two weeks' notice too!)

Hmmm. Masarap pala yung ganun. Kung sana lang pwedeng mag screen ng mga alaga, hindi na ako kukuha ng masyadong malaking sakit ng ulo. Kaso hindi pwedeng mamili, buti na lang pwedeng mag-resign.

I recall days when she would call at 2 or 3 in the morning just to express her misery...ayaw na daw niyang mabuhay dahil iniwan siya ng boyfriend niya, tapos two days later makikipagbalikan. Grhhhh! Hanggang ngayon, on and off pa din sila nung guy. Kaya on and off din ang bouts niya with depression.

Sorry sweetie, I wouldn't be here to watch you grow up and mature. I'm afraid that's going to take a long time and I'm not about to hold my breath waiting for you to come to your senses.

AT dawn, the telephone rings.

Hello, Master Carlos?? This is Arnaldo your country house  caretaker"
Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a? problem?"
Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

"That's the?? one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh
well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten? meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all
that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord!? What? fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught
on fire."
"What the...!!! But theres electricity at the house!!!! What was the
candle for???"
"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY? FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I  thought she was a thief, so I shot her."

The Right Word at The Right Time is Like Precious Gold set in
Silver...Veritas Liberabit Vos!

Pagod Na Anghel
ni: Kiko Montesena

Kung bali na nga ang iyong pakpak,
ano pa ang silbi ng paglipad?

Sa bawat pagtingin ko sa kanang balikat,
anghel kang hahanapin sa pagmulat.

Nauunawaan ko,anghel man ay napapagod din,
Sumusuko sa sutil na alagain.

Panahon na sigurong mamaybay ka sa kung saan ka dapat,
Iwanan mo muna ang lupa at ikaw ay pumaitaas.

May gabing dapat ka ring mahimbing,
magpahinga ka na't sa langit sumiping.

Mag-ipon ka muna ng lakas.

That's the title of the novel I've been reading over the week. Busy gal that I am, I can only manage to squeeze in a few chapters before shut eye.

Juniper Tree Burning's narrative is starting to grow on me. So much so that I started missing my kid brother and called him "Sunny Boy Blue" after the lead character's younger sibling. When I texted to check on him Friday night, it turns out my baby boy (forgive me but I practically raised my brother) has a bad cough and cold. And, with exams scheduled this week, I was terribly worried about the kid.

He asked me to come home and my heart lurched. He then complained that I haven't come home in two weeks. More than getting his allowance, my brother looks forward to the meals I cook for them whenever I come home during the weekends. He feigns irritation at the piles of dishes and utensils left for him to wash but I could tell he enjoys the conversations and light banter exchanged in between all the slicing, dicing and cutting.

After eating Dad would usually start brewing a pot coffee,followed by a huddle over Sunday's crossword puzzle----a concerted family effort that sometimes takes us hours to complete. Ah but these are priceless moments.

I wanted so badly to pack an overnight bag and catch a late night trip home but Saturday was the anniversary of one of our outreach communities in Cavite, and I was needed there as well. By now, my family is used to me disappearing when Church obligations beckon.

Tambuli

The book of Joshua tells the story of the fall of Jericho, a walled city, by the Israelites.  Greatly outnumbered, they circle the city in procession like manner for six days upon Yaheweh's bidding. On the seventh day, the priests blew ram's horns (tambuli in our culture) and the Israelites chanted praises to God in unison. Miraculously, the walls of Jericho crumble and the surprised residents were left dazed and confused. Led by Joshua, the Israelites then took the city's silver and gold, and burned the cursed land to the ground. It is said that Jericho was never to rise again from the ashes.

On the occassion of their ninth anniversary, one of the communities we served decided to hold a Tambuli. It's only my second time to attend such an activity and I was eager to go. It's more of a healing rally, if I may say, I've seen people with different ailments walk as if nothing happened afterwards.

Last year, I was bleeding for three weeks when the Tambuli was scheduled in Laguna. I went, not knowing what could happen. I didn't know it would entail running and jumping and dancing, and I was, of course,scared. My OB couldn't pin down what was wrong with me, and by then I was already anemic. The doctor said if the bleeding progressed it probably meant I had a mass growing in my uterus or something.

But lo, the next day the bleeding stopped (yeah, I remember there was a bleeding woman in the Bible too) and a week after my OB referred me to an endocrinologist. It turned out I had hormonal imbalance brought about by a lazy thyroid gland. I'm still under medication for my thyroid problem until now, but thanks be to God, everything's under control. Just a tad difficult for me to lose weight, but that's ok.

PP Sunday

Snuggled for a couple of extra hours before getting up to cook spicy tuna pasta for my beloved Pinoypoets. It was the deliberation of poems for the second chapbook and my dear Xam requested that I bring enough to sustain everyone in this surely mentally draining exercise.

I was glad to see Xam, Rhodge, Kai, Kath, Ergoe, Nanoy, Edz and soul sister Peperella. Maki and Kapatid na Jeff also popped in. I missed hanging out with these people. And no matter how simple the gathering was, it was still a day well spent.

Much was accomplished but much more is left to be done. My old poem "Bubbles" was initially chosen for possible inclusion. But I don't know, I'm thinking of submitting Praying Mantis instead since I consider that poem my personal best, so far.

We rounded up before 8 pm, with Xam, Claire, Maki and I heading off to Baclaran Church to hear mass and light a few candles in honor of the Mother of Perpetual Help. While Xam and Claire were busy scouting for cd's  I couldn't resist snagging a couple pairs of slip ons. Arrgghh. Shoe shopping again!

I was happy to see everyone, and I missed those who weren't around. Oh and I turned down a date because I didn't want to leave everyone in the middle of the workshop. Kaya hindi ako magka boyfriend, masyado ko nang mahal ang PP! Hehe.

Anyhow, It's the start of another work week. Smile everyone! It still is a beautiful world. Hehe!