Sex Without Love
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by: Sharon Olds

How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.

Just Checking In
Posted in

So how has life been for angel these past few weeks? Hellish. And that's not an exaggeration.

But it's a Friday, the second beautiful day of December (I soo love Christmas!) and I have just finished a hectic week at the office. I'm smiling and relishing the fact that there will be two days of rest ahead of me.

No, I won't complain or rant. Life always has its up days and down days. Lately, I've been stuck in a rut. But you know, that isn't such an God-awful place to be when you give it some serious thought.

For one, you really get to know who your real friends are. Second, you become more self-reliant and resilient. Third, you think a lot and plan on taking calculated risks in the very near future. And fourth and most importantly, you start listening to God a lot more.

Too often, I get caught up in the humdrum of everyday existence that I forget, yes I still forget, to listen to what God is trying to tell me. I pray, I go to mass and attend Church outreaches, but I am still preoccupied most of my waking hours.

Sure, I hear, but I don't listen.

Now, I'll try my very best to. Last night, I realized I don't need miracles.  The fact that I am here, still standing and still fighting despite and inspite of everything I have gone through, tells me I already am one---a testament to the fact that there is a higher order to things and a Supreme Being that directs and orchestrates everything.

One day soon, things will fall into place for me. Every single thing. Not perfect, not all-rosy, but set right by a God who teaches me lessons and corrects me when I do wrong.

This is angel just checking in. Have a happy weekend everyone. Smile! It still is a wonderful world.

Oh...Happy Christmas!

Pick of the Week:
Posted in

Break Me
By: Gary Valenciano

No words are left now to be spoken
When all your promises are broken
And all excuses I have used in justifying
My actions moved me so much closer to the fire

But now I know, seems I’ve lost my soul
Make me and take me
Can you find me in this world I’ve chosen
And never let me go
Hold me and mold me
And if there’s no other way
to make me whole

Then go ahead and break me,
Then remake me holding on
I won’t give up
‘coz I know you won’t give up on me

Grown weary of my ways pretending
Showing I‘m ok when I am hurting
But now I know, time to find my soul
Make me and take me
Can You find me in this world I’ve chosen
And never let me go
Hold me and mold me,
And if there’s no other way to make me whole

I’ve been too proud and now
I don’t know where to go,
But like the son who came back home
I’m giving you my life, my mind, my heart, my soul
I’m trusting you enough to break me
then to make me whole
Can you find me in this world,
I’m lost and never let me go
Hold me and mold me
And if there’s no other way to make me whole…

Then go ahead and break me,
Gently remake me holding on
I won’t give up coz I know you won’t give up
You’re never giving up on me…

Flight Plan
Posted in

*from my mailbox...thanks Ruel!

Eagles are the most long-lived bird in the world. By the time they reach 40 years old, their claws will start to age, losing their effectiveness and making it hard for them to catch prey.

The lifespan of an eagle is up to 70 years old. But in order to live this long, it must make the toughest decision at 40. At 40, its beak is too long and curvy that it reaches its chest. Its wings, full of long, thickened feathers, are too heavy for easy flying. The eagle is left with 2 choices - do nothing and await its death or go through a painful period of transformation and renewal.

For 150 days, it first trains itself to fly beyond the high mountains, build and live in its nest and cease all flying activities. It then begins to knock its beak against granite rocks till the beak is completely removed. When a new beak is grown, the eagle will use it to remove all its old claws and await quietly for new ones to be fully-grown.

When the new claws are fully grown, the eagle will use them to remove all its feathers, one by one. Five months later, when its new feathers are fully grown, it will soar in the sky again with renewed strength and is able to live for the next 30 years.

In life, as an individual, in a ministry, even in an organization, sometimes, we have to learn to make difficult decisions so as to make room for changes. Changes bring about renewal. And the only way for us to soar again is to let go old ways, old habits, and old lives. For as long as we are prepared to put aside our old baggage - past glory or shame, past success or failure - be willing to become zero, with an empty cup mentality, we will be able to discover our potential and head towards a renewed perspective in any aspect of our lives.

I am also reminded of Isaiah 40:31 but they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I used to wonder why the Lord would associate those who wait upon him with the eagle and not other birds like peacocks, chickens or turkeys. It is only when I read this that I know - God has intended that we should soar on wings like eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint. But this could only be possible when we hope and wait in Him to renew our strength and be prepared to be molded all over again - be zero again, be still again, be quiet again. And the journey of renewal will be painful and it requires an attitude of 5 words- I WANT, I AM WILLING.

Finally, be bold, be strong and soar like an eagle - for the Lord Thy God is with You.

Please Find Attached: ME
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Been running myself ragged with work and a host of other things as of late. Busy? Yes. Spent? No. I'm as bubbly as champagne on a decanter.

But I've learned something important. You hold on to parts of a dream, the ones that you can latch on to, and draw as much from it as you can. So that before you wake up, or before the colored dreams fade, you already have your own rainbow of memories to come back to.

Angel's LSS: Could You Be Messiah?
24/7 Reading List: My thoughts
Silverscreen Pick: my inhibitions melting
Differential Diagnosis: Bubbly

Of Shakes and Nightmares
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Met up with my best friend Chelly for dinner last night at Town Center. From two giggling college girls who stayed up late chatting in my dorm room, we are now two mature adults pondering on the complexities of life.

In between drags of her cigarette and mouthfuls of seafood pasta, we began unloading our excess emotional baggages accumulated over the last three weeks--- since we last met for dinner, movie and coffee. She and I have yet to exorcise our old demons and meet face to face with our current ghosts.

In time, I keep telling her. All in good time.

And then I bolt out of bed at 4 am, panting and sweating. It was one of the worst nightmares I've ever experienced. I think my time has come. I must face the things I fear most...and soon.

Thank You
Posted in

**for someone who stood by me through one of the darkest days of  my life--I thank you as a rose thanks spring for making it bloom.

Can We Still Be Friends

by Mandy Moore

We can't play this game anymore, but
Can we still be friends?
Things just can't go on like before, but
Can we still be friends?

We had something to learn
Now it's time for the wheel to turn
Grains of sand, one by one
Before you know it
All gone

Let's admit we made a mistake, but
Can we still be friends?
Heartbreak's never easy to take, but
Can we still be friends?

It's a strange, sad affair
Sometimes seems like we just don't care
Don't waste time feeling hurt
We've been through hell together

La la la la, la la la la la
Can we still be friends?
Can we still get together sometime?
Can we still go on and on and on?

We awoke from our dream
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
It's like a sweet sad old song

With Open Palms and an Open Heart...
Posted in

Letting Go

Jenny was a bright-eyed, pretty five-year-old girl. One day when she and her mother were checking out at the grocery store, Jenny saw a plastic pearl necklace priced at $2.50.

How she wanted that necklace and when she asked her mother if she would buy it  for her, her mother said, "Well, it is a pretty necklace, but it costs an awful lot of money. I'll  tell you what. I'll buy you the necklace, and when we get home we can make up a list of chores that you can do to pay for the necklace. And don't forget that for your birthday Grandma just might give you a whole dollar bill, too. Okay?"

Jenny agreed, and her mother bought the pearl necklace for her. Jenny worked on her chores very hard every day, and sure enough, her Grandma gave her a brand new dollar bill for her birthday.

Soon Jenny had paid off the pearls.How Jenny loved those pearls. She wore them everywhere - to kindergarten,bed, and when she went out with her mother to run errands. The only time she didn't wear them was in the shower - her mother had told her that they would turn her neck green.

Now Jenny had a very loving daddy. When Jenny went to bed, he would get up from his favorite chair every night and read Jenny her favorite story. One night when he finished the story, he said, "Jenny, do you love me?" "Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you," the little girl said.

"Well, then, give me your pearls." "Oh! Daddy, not my pearls!" Jenny said. "But you can have Rosie, my favorite doll. Remember her? You gave her to me last year for my birthday. And you can have her tea party outfit, too. Okay?"

"Oh no, darling, that's okay." Her father brushed her cheek with a kiss. "Good night, little one."A week later, her father once again asked Jenny afterher story, "Do you love me?" "Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you."

"Well, then, give me your pearls.""Oh, Daddy, not my pearls! But you can have Ribbons, my toy horse. Do you remember her? She's my favorite. Her hair is so soft, and you can play with it and braid it and everything. You can have Ribbons if you want her, Daddy," the little girl said to her father. "No, that's okay," her father said and brushed her cheek again with a kiss. "God bless you, little one. Sweet dreams."

Several days later, when Jenny's father came in to read her a story,

Jenny was sitting on her bed and her lip was trembling. "Here, Daddy," she said, and held out her hand. She opened it and her beloved pearl necklace was inside. She let it slip into her father's  hand. With one hand her father held the plastic pearls and with the other he pulled out of his pocket a blue velvet box. Inside of the box were real, genuine, beautiful pearls.

He had them all along. He was waiting for Jenny to give up the cheap stuff so he could give  her the real thing.So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasure. Isn't God good?

Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of? Are you holding onto harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have become so attached to that it seems impossible to let go?

Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing.................God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

Settling Down
Posted in

Friday!

I should be jumping up and down and grinning like a cheshire cat at the  promise of blissful sleep for the next two days. But part of me is afraid to settle down. I do not want to be idle, lest my thoughts wander off and I start overanalyzing whatever it is I have on my plate nowadays.

Let me be clear: I am happy, and I am not complaining. It's just that I know myself, and I am aware that I do think too much and pour more than the necessary energy and emotions required when certain situations arise.  I need to learn how to chill.

What's been happening to me? A lot!

For one, the company Christmas party is over, and along with it ends my stint as organizer of company activities and events for 2005. R-E-L-I- E- F  is best spelled with a big smile. 

Naughty Girl? 

I partied like crazy last Tuesday. After the stress, all the tension and undue harrassment, I downed red wine and vodka and danced with abandon. Sure gave the bosses something to talk about the next day, hehe! But that's just how I vent off steam. Whatever it was they saw that night started and ended in the dance floor.

Angel got home with all her virtues, including her sanity, still intact.

Speaking of sanity, I am working til breaking point to keep myself sane. After attacking my to-do list at Teleforce and overstepping a few other responsibilities just to get a couple of major web projects done, I decided to do the unthinkable----take in writing assignments from outside again.

Not only that, I was even the one who asked for work. Yesterday, I sent off my resume to a research firm and to an English tutorial center, both are part time jobs, if ever I do get in. One would require me to work after office hours and the other, during Saturdays. Yes, I intend to take both.

Emotional coal, says my manager, emotional coal is a pretty good source of fuel.

I feel like I've been set on fire.

 

Pick of the Week: Twenty Fourplay
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By: Janet Jackson

Sleep my love
Don't you worry
You just sleep my love
And I'll stroke your hair
Oh the sunlight on your face
As the day begins to break

When you wake
And your smile meets mine ah
My day begins
You're my inspiration
Seeing your face glow
Is the nicest of hellos

Five till noon
You sneak up from behind
Kiss and caress me
Make love to my mind
A whisper and kiss from you
Warms my heart
Means so much
Begins early in the day

You walk in the room
In a sunset sort of mood
My emotions light up
'Cause of you
Now that evening's come
We're dressed for us my love
Wine and candles puts us in a sexy mood

That s when we get to it
Close our eyes
Feel our our way through it
I can't wait to groove ya
'Cause you sure know how to move it
You've made love to my mind
Now you gotta take me from behind
Just like in the movies
When the action begins

Let's put on a show
And we'll take it nice and slow
Oh here we go
Tell me do you want the blindfold
Tell me what you like
Baby should I do it once or twice
I know that we get naughty
But I know you like it like that

Now that we felt this warm explosion
I know you're satisfied
I see it in your eyes
Relax
Be still my love
Let your heart slow down
'Cause I'm no through my dear
So you can't stop
Remember twenty foreplay

Can you feel it twenty foreplay
You know I need it
Yes I need it
24 hours a day
Can you feel it
24 hours a day
Can you feel it
Twenty Foreplay
Let me feel your twenty foreplay

(Outtro)
It's not what you said
Before we start to play
It's what you say after
That makes me want to stay

Aye, So True:
Posted in Love and other Disasters

 

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of  fun, then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"---Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City 

Sake Lab
Posted in

They say memory is 80 percent smell... so I  guess this means I'm done for.

 Either I forego drinking hot sake, which I happened to develop an affinity to at first gulp,  or, I learn not to close my eyes whenever i smell rice wine.

whiffs of sake---

a hungry mouth

tasting another

El Fin de Adventura Amorosa
Posted in

Suddenly there's  need to verbalize what's in my head. I'm allowing myself the luxury of thinking, feeling and saying things out loud....and breathing a long and very audible sigh of relief---it's over.

Not that there's anything I regret. I'm sorry, but I was fully aware of what I was doing and why I chose to make it happen right from the start. You may or may not understand, but the reasons behind it have something to do with ghosts and monsters from the past...and coming to terms with the reality that nightmares are not supposed to last 14 years.

Today, it ended. A beautiful, meaningful and heart-pounding-pulse-racing-tingly-all-over kind of affair ended...with a smile. I know, I know, all endings come with a slight tug at the heart. This one did too, but there was so much laughter surrounding it that all i can hear is the clinking of saki cups as in a toast: three cheers for Scooby Doo!

Realizations:

I've always known that it is possible to have varying shades of the same color. Going by that premise, I learned that friendships too can take on deeper and more complicated structures, and still retain its very essence---a bond between friends.

Of course, now that the whirlwind has hit open sea,  there are questions in my head that are begging to be answered. However, I choose not to ask. I also know that there are times in one's life when  ignorance truly is bliss.

I promise that after I save this entry, I'll let it all go.  But allow me a farewell walk down a path we chose to take together.

Let me close my eyes and breathe in the scent of saki one more time, a hint of wasabi on gyoza; the warm feel of miso soup...the rich spice of a steaming bowl of chili happily consumed as onlookers watched in envious hunger...ice cold coffee in open air cafe'.

Walks; mirrors; skirts; smallville....and a thousand other vignettes. 

I never thought it possible to cram a million and one sensual memories in a span of four short meetings. But now I do...and I would like so much for you to know that the whole experience has changed me and made me whole---and more positive and optimistic that there are after all, decent men still walking the face of the earth.

Vanity of vanities? Perhaps so. At least I no longer cower or hide, or think of myself as having a "dual" identity---tao ako (hindi tao lang), with fears, needs and issues that seek to be resolved.

The best part of it is that there are no tearful goodbyes. The friendship bond lies unbroken...it is as whole, as intact and as preserved as the first time you held out your hand and told me you were pleased to meet me.

I'm slowly opening my eyes and now and smiling at the reflection I see. I have indeed been broken and made whole. 

I'm letting you go now...it's time for us to take on a lighter shade of color.

Thank you for everything.

Rainy Tuesday Night in Makati
Posted in

My mood was as damp as the weather. Last night, my shoes were heavy as I made my way to Makati. Sitting inside the van bound for Landmark, I watched the rain pelting the windows again and again, staring at the slick, black asphalt road...my thoughts strayed back to last Tuesday.

*SPACE OUT MODE*

I needed to make new memories. So I took the now familiar route...walking along Greenbelt 3, past the Church, Figaro...crossing to Greenbelt 1, I waved at the King Kong marquee at the cinema...walked on to Starbucks...and the place was literally crawling with memories.

Had it not been raining, I would have asked Chelly to have dinner with me at Soup Kitchen--I was craving for chili but ended up with a bowl of miso soup at Tokyo, Tokyo instead. I passed by Powerbooks, Body Shop and had coffee again when Chelly's husband joined us at Figaro...and then they walked me towards the van terminal.

*Smiling while spacing out*

Yes, the mind is indeed a blank tablet waiting to be written on. I must have done a pretty good job of overwriting some of them. It will not just be a memory of one special person and meeting, but of many special people and important occasions.  But you know, there are memories that have been permanently carved in stone and etched in mirrors.

I went home dancing in rain puddles...

5 guys every girl’s gotta date
Posted in



*from MSN. Feel free to post a comment or reaction. Which ones have you tried dating? --stephie

By Maura Kelly

So you’re out on the town, looking for a cute guy you’ll click with…who’ll be the next lucky dude? Who’s your usual type? Before you answer, wait a second, and let us urge you not to date your usual type. You’ll benefit big-time by dating various types of guys. Here’s why: Each will stretch the boundaries of what you think makes a suitable mate and teach you a unique set of skills that will come in handy when you do meet The One.

Type #1: The Older Man

There comes a point in every guy’s life when he’s no longer interested in keg parties, Sony PlayStations, and phrases like “getting laid.” In short, a man becomes a man, and that’s exactly why you should see what an older guy is all about. No, it’s not because he could be a sugardaddy who’ll shower you with fancy meals and great gifts (although that could be nice).

The real perk of dating an older guy is his worldliness and wisdom, which is bound to rub off on you, says Steve Nakamoto, author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man. “Because he’s had more life experience and has been through more than younger guys, he can play something of a teacher role,” he explains, adding that he once dated a woman 14 years younger than him. “She still calls me today to thank me for the things I taught her,” he says. “She’s always been very appreciative of advice I gave her, even little things like buying a CD, after I explained that I meant certificate of deposit, and not a music album!”

Type #2: The Starving Artist

Okay, sure: These dudes are not going to take you to fancy restaurants or even pay for your half of the dinner bill. Money, nice meals, and material goods don’t mean squat to this guy—and that’s exactly why you’ll have an incredible time once he opens your eyes to life’s simpler pleasures. Erika Meitner of Charlottesville, VA, now sees the world differently after a summer spent with a struggling musician, Jesse. “We went on the best dates, because they all involved great conversation and the most unexpected adventures,” she says. “He knew all the best cheap beer bars, where the jukeboxes rocked, and colorful people always wanted to tell Jesse their stories.” Not only will the world seem infinitely fascinating, but you may feel more fascinating, too, as you become inspired by his creativity and perhaps play the role of his muse.

Type #3: The Metrosexual

OK, so he may be better dressed and more recently manicured than you. Get over it—because not only will you reap the obvious benefits of dating a guy like this (by being able to borrow his expensive shampoos), you’ll get a chance to live a happenin’ life! These guys will take you to all the hottest clubs and coolest clothing stores, and let’s not forget just how fabulous you’ll feel walking hand-in-hand with a man who looks like he just stepped out of an issue of GQ. The benefits don’t end there: His style may well rub off on you. “That’s significant,” says Nakamoto, “because it makes her feel better about herself, as well as making her a stronger player on the social and professional fields.”

Type #4: The Bad Boy

This rebel might have a motorcycle or not, but one thing’s for sure: He lives on his own terms and is not about to apologize for them. Hang with him for a while, and you’ll learn why being bad can feel so good—and how to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Talk about liberating! “In general, women tend to be pleasers, much more so than men,” Nakamoto says. “A bad boy can show them what it’s like to quit trying to make everyone else happy, and just do what you want.” New Yorker Diana Petroff has first-hand experience of these bad-boy benefits, having once dated one of these rebels. “He knew there was more to the world,” Petroff explains. “And from being with him, I learned to look deep inside myself for what's truly important—rather than just accepting what my parents or friends thought was the proper path for me.”

Type #5: The Nice Guy

He never makes you feel insecure or uncertain, never plays hard to get, never makes you doubt how he feels about you. It’s a shame that we need to explain this one, and yet we know how hard it can be to date a true sweetheart, at least at first. “A woman won’t be used to the frequency and consistency of affection nice guys give, since most other guys who are playing the dating game don’t do that,” Nakamoto explains. Even so, he advises that women get used to the nice guys, and quick. Why? Because once you’ve had the good stuff (a guy who calls when he says he will; a guy who wants to see you more often as he gets to know you), you won’t stand for anything less. At the same time, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should start sending out the wedding invites after a few months. “Just because he’s nice doesn’t necessarily mean he’s the right guy,” Nakamoto warns. “He might rate low in terms of romantic chemistry, because he lacks the edge that creates the kind of surprise, passion, and excitement that all people want in their lives.”

Of course, the key is finding the man who has everything you want—until then, however, go ahead and try everything and don’t worry so much about whether you’ve found Mr. Right. Trust us, he’s out there. In the meantime, have fun!