Entries for May, 2007
May 2nd, 2007
Tanggap Ko Posted in Love and other Disasters, My OST Nyoy Volante Aking nararamdaman *senti lang. besides, maganda talaga yung song, me violin pa sa background (weh, excuses! hehe) 4 Lived to Tell
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May 3rd, 2007
I Thank You Posted in Love and other Disasters, Angel 24/7 To all the friends who consoled me, cried with me, and held my hand through the latest sandstorm in my life...I would like to thank each and every one. Rest assured the tempest has passed and I am back on my feet again. Whole, smiling, and back on track. *hugs*hugs*hugs* I am truly blessed! Love ya' all! | |
May 7th, 2007
Dalawang Tula: Posted in Love and other Disasters Dahil Minsan marlon hacla, 05/06/07 para kay Steph Dahil minsan, tumitigil sa pagiging bilog ang iyong daigdig. Ngunit hindi ito tumitigil sa pag-ikot. At umuulit ang pagdaan ng alimpuyo ng mga punyal sa iyong puso. Kay rami mong tanong. Kung titingala ka sa langit, tanging pag-usad ng mga ulap ang kanyang isasagot. Kung susundan mo maghapon ang araw, pagkalunod at pagkalunod sa takipsilim ang tangi niyang itutugon. Ang mga liham, ang lampara, ang mga panyo mo sa tokador, ang kalendaryo mong binihisan na ng alikabok. Tulad mo, naghihintay sila ng katok o paglipas ng kamandag ng lungkot. Nakalinya ang mga tangkay ng rosas. Nais nilang sa ibabaw ng mga tinik mo isulat ang mga namutawi sa bibig ng iyong mahal noong muntik kayong mahulog sa talampas ng kabaliwan. At ang mga talulot, huwag mo na silang gambalain. Hinahanap nila ang tinig ng paglimot sa mga pahina ng mga aklat. Higit Sa Minsan Steph Cruz, 05.07.07
Walang nakalinyang tangkay ng rosas at mga talulot na nakaipit sa aklat, ni liham o larawang bibihisan ng alikabok...
Ngunit, hindi sapat na daanan lamang ang ibabaw ng mga tinik na naiwan, kailangang balikan at isa- isang pitasin ang isinabit na mga pangarap
Saka lalanggasin ng luha ang sampung daliring hahagkan para maibsan ang sakit
Dahil higit sa minsang kinalag ang puso at pikit-matang nagpasakop hanggang marating ang talampas ng kabaliwan
Dahil higit sa minsan akong nagpaalam at muling nagbalik, mahal.
Wala akong mga tanong, hindi dapat gambalain ang nahihimbing na talulot at ulap Ngunit, kasinungalingan ang paglimot.
Kapag naunawaan na ng puso na dumating na sa hangganan ang minsan... saka pa lamang babalik ang hugis ng daigdig na nagisnan. | |
May 10th, 2007
No Need To Panic Posted in Angel 24/7 Read: 1 Peter 4:12-19 Do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you. --1 Peter 4:12 On a Bible-teaching cruise in the Caribbean, I was listening to the customary first-day safety briefing. The precautions were vital in case the ship should have to be evacuated. The instructions from the ship's personnel concluded with a simple but significant explanation. A specific combination of air-horn blasts, indicating a drill, would be distinctly different from those indicating a real emergency. The distinction was critical. A drill did not constitute a need to evacuate. If passengers were to panic during the drill, it could result in chaos. When we don't understand the circumstances that surround us, it's easy to be shaken by life's alarms. Peter's generation experienced the same thing. His warning was simple: "Do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you" (1 Peter 4:12). The trials and heartaches of life may sound like a call to evacuate--to run away or to respond to life in ways that are disheartening and destructive. But we would do well to listen more closely to our Lord. The trial may be nothing more than a reminder that our trust is to be in God, not in people. We can trust Him in those times when the alarms start to sound. --Bill Crowder We can trust our loving Savior Life's challenges are not designed to break us but to bend us toward God. | |
May 11th, 2007
Who owns your evenings? Posted in Love and other Disasters It was an ordinary day when I got out of bed this morning, except there was no feeling of dread. I was feeling good that I didn't have to repeatedly mumble my mantra of "God please take this pain away" before I headed out of the door and onto work. I can't say I've fully recovered now. Waves of sadness still wash over me most nights. Yeah, that's when it really hits me. When it's late and the phone is silent and you wonder where he is, what he's doing, or who he's spending his precious time with. Destructive thoughts? I guess so, and I know I should do away with them. Except that these are the questions I'm dying to ask the person I've been communicating with most of the day. Yup, we talk about everything from voting to mp3s and ask each other what we had for lunch or remind each other to eat. It's no small blessing how we've managed to become friends after the break up. In fact, it's only been a few days that we haven't fought or argued about anything. Blissful, peaceful co existence finally, except for the nagging question that haunts me: Who owns your evenings now, mahal? We somehow have this unspoken rule that no one asks about the other's personal life...or talks about the past (because that almost always results to a major eruption), given our ability to press at each other's eject buttons. So that's just how things between us are right now: friends walking on egg shells around one other's comfort zones. It's weird, yes, but I think I'll eventually grow to like the arrangement. Now that most of the pain and bitterness has ebbed, I've stopped wringing my neck in guilt over the things I shouldn't have done or failed to do, and I have ceased tagging him as the culprit as to why all our best-laid plans miscarried. I realized, and I can sincerely say this now, that we were two good people who unfortunately created a bad relationship. We had our reasons. Our excuses and justifications. We had our needs. It just won't work if one seeking freedom while the other simply wants to belong to someone (that would be me). Of course, the last of the tears have yet to be shed. And there's that heart-wrenching fear of cheking my friendster account and finding that he has (yet again) updated his photos (smiling and posing with another pretty girl) or heaven forbid, coming face to face with his "in a relationship" profile. That would hurt big time. And I speak for us women (diba, Leanne?!!!) that no matter how few or how many months pass, finding out that you have been replaced will always sting. Have I let him go? In my heart of hearts I have. I know that me being present in his life would hinder him from realizing his dreams; of improving his craft and pushing himself even further to succeed; I will always be a distraction and not a source of inspiration...I'm also not making him a better person because I'm always testing his temper and provoking him to become angry and resentful. And honestly, that was not the kind of person he was when we met. Do I still love him? Yes. And I don't think that will ever change. For all the fights and arguments and inspite the distance, (I'm saying out this to settle doubts some of my friends have), the relationship was real. It was there and I felt it. Well, it certainly left me broken in one too many places, but I would like to believe that I've learned many things. The most important one being: When God gives you something beautiful to hold, don't embrace it too tightly...so that when the time comes for you to hand it back, you'll be able to thank HIM for the gift and willingly LET GO. | |
May 15th, 2007
To Let Go... Posted in Love and other Disasters, Angel 24/7 *thanks to Princess Bride To let Go...Doesn't mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else. To Let Go....Is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To Let Go....Is not to try to change or blame another, To let Go....Is not to fix, but to be supportive. To Let Go....Is not to deny, but to accept. To Let Go....Is not to adjust everything to my desires, To Let Go....Is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. | |
May 21st, 2007
Back for good Posted in Angel 24/7 I've posted several entries in the past declaring I'm back, only to disappear again. I'm not ashamed to say that the last couple of years have been particularly rough for me in different aspects...and I truly am thankful that I always land on my feet after every fall. As I was telling my "daughter" Claire during a cab ride home, the last trial gave me a clear picture of myself-- the things I can negotiate or sacrifice altogether, and more importantly, the things I can never compromise, no matter what. For the most part, the pain has left...or at least, it's now tolerable. I keep repeating to people that it wasn't the break up itself that hurt, it was so many little things rolled into one heart-wrenching package. I had my reasons for extending my grieving period and not going through the rituals-- no drinking with friends, no pampering sessions or shopping as therapy. I cried myself to sleep for more than a week, reviewing all the fights and discussions--analyzing whether it would have made a difference if I took the other side, or simply shut up. Exercises in futility, of course, since Jibril and I have burned our bridges way before we decided to call it quits. Or rather I did, and this time he finally let me. Right now, I'm in the difficult phase of breaking habits and undoing patterns. In the process of regaining my old life back, I am unlearning and retracing my steps... Evenings are mostly occupied by Church outreach activities. Mondays Cavite, Wednesdays Muntinlupa (nearer Laguna, actually), Thursdays at the SLG center. Tuesdays I go out with friends or hit the gym and Fidays are lamayan nights at work. Saturdays I teach at the Central, afterwhich my brother and I go home to spend time with Dad in Bulacan. By Sunday evening I'm back at my apartment, eager to repeat the week-long cycle. I still try to hear mass every night after work and stay in close touch with my family and my dear friends. After a couple of weeks, the rigid routine became pleasant, and I, in fact look forward to it now. Outreach and teaching is therapy. There's much to be said about coming home late at night tired, spent but fulfilled. I've also resumed my 24-7 mission. Yes, the old angel is back and I do hope this time its for good. And, I am still friends with Jibril, although from time to time we still have some tiffs. Communication isn't as regular now though, and mostly revolve around his shop or poetry-- we've always had that interest in common. Deciding to remain friends with an ex immediately after a break up is tall order. The transition from ex lovers to friends is both painful and difficult. I sincerely hope we make it this time. Even as just friends. That in itself would be enough to say thanks for. | |
May 25th, 2007
Gaya ng Dati Posted in Angel 24/7 by Gary V. Dati-rati Laman ng puso mo ay ang pangalan Ko Lagi Ako sa isip mo Dati-rati Inaawitan pa lagi ay may ngiti Mga matay nagniningning Ngunit ngayon nagbago ka Nasan na ang init ng pagsinta Pangako moy hindi magwawakas Di bat noon Samyo ng bulaklak at ihip ng hangin ay kapansin-pansin Di bat noon takbo ng oras ay di mo napapansin Laging naglalambing Ngunit ngayon naglaho na Siglat tamis ng iyong pagsinta Pagmamahal Ko bay kailangan pa Ooh Dati-rati Mga pangako Koy kandungan mot lakas Sa pagsubok ay kay tatag Di bat noon Sa kaibigan moy Akong bukambibig Bakit ngayoy anong lamig Di mo alam Akoy nasasaktan Sa di pagpansin sa Aking pagmamahal Lumapit kat Akoy naghihintay Naghihintay, ohh Akoy nasasaktan Sa di pagpansin sa aking pagmamahal Lumapit kat akoy naghihintay Di mo alam Akoy nasasaktan Sa di pagpansin sa Aking pagmamahal Lumapit kat Akoy naghihintay Panginoon Akoy nabulag ng mandarayang mundo Ako ay patawarin Mo Mula ngayon ang buhay kong itoy Iaalay sa Iyo gamitin mo ako Gaya ng dati Gaya ng dati Gaya ng dati ~I should have known better...except I didn't. I thought HE would understand that I had obligations and responsibilities, I thought that HE was blessing me in every way because HE was pleased with me--but it turned out to be a test. In times of trials, I undoubtedly cling to HIM. But during the time that I was happy, that I thought things we're finally falling into place...I started to forget my promises. My relationship with HIM grew lukewarm... Yet I have this against you--that you no longer love Me as you did at first.- Rev 2:4 Teach me again Lord, what it's like to submit and obey. Amen. | |
May 28th, 2007
My Guardian Angel Posted in Angel 24/7 "Each day the angel Raziel makes proclamation on Mount Horeb, from heaven, of the secrets of men to all that dwell upon the earth, and his voice resounds throughout the world." Targum Eccl. x.20 The origin of the Book of the Angel Raziel (Ratziel) originated when God had given the knowledge to Raziel (which means "Secret of God" since his mission is transmitter of secrets (Jewish Encyclopedia, p 335).Legend is that the book originally was inscribed on a sapphire stone. A copy was given to Seraph, then Metatron, then Adam (the first man). The angels, Cherubim, were upset that the knowledge was given to Adam and desecended to earth to steal the book back from Adam. It was then tossed deep into the ocean. God order Rehab to retireve the book and return it to Adam. The book was stolen again and ended at the bottom of the ocean for centuries. It was later retireved by Raphael, who gave it to Noah to protect him during the flood. Eventually, it was given to King Solomon. Raziel, called the angel of mysteries, is the possessor of a staggering amount of information on all matters secret, arcane, and mysterious; his knowledge stems from the fact that he stands at the curtain separating God from the rest of Creation and hears and notes everything that is said around His throne.
~~i've had a very meaningful weekend... the fund raising show being a huge success (Praise the Lord!) and yesterday being Pentecost Sunday. Short of weirding everyone out, let's just say I received an answer to a long-time prayer during high mass. I was also blessed to meet a lovely woman who paints and talks to angels--and she gladly told me who my personal angel was: Raziel, keeper of the father's secrets, and well...not surprisingly, Archangel Gabriel (because I was born on a Monday and i am in the communications field). So there, i can now call on my angels by name..and I do hope they fly to my assistance in times of need. In Jesus' name. Amen. | |
